Thursday 11:19pmhere i am writing again lol well im high as shit lmaoo but i feel so peaceful. my whole being feels so tranquil and calm. i feel forgiveness and happiness in this moment. soo guys remember wen i spent most of my life in my car. how i cried and drank myself to sleep in tht car every single day. how i hated coming home or going in the house. well i move next fucking weekend!! im here now bitchesssss. depressed and unmotivated spiraling in my fucking sadness every day... i fucking won!!! and fuck depression kiss my black ass! soo yeh lmaoo im really fucking excited because ive come a long way and i have the scars and the words, right here, to prove it. but i really want to just sit and highlight forgiveness right now because i never knew i could feel it for some of the crazy situations tht have seriously impacted my life soo negatively. i never thought i would forgive my dad and here i am. i dont desire to be super close to him but i do forgive him and i hope hes well and some day come out of his own spiral because he deserves tht, we all do. but i forgive and much love to him n courage on his journey. he can be better i know he could if he just fights and idc how old he is.. “better late than never” (really love tht saying btw). and i forgive a wonderful ex-bestfriend and most importantly i forgive my goddamn self. i was sooo hard on my self n i still am sometimes but im better way better. you gotta stop pushing urself i to ur own corner my love. stop focusing on where others are and what they’re doing n comparing yourself because you are YOU. the world needs a little of YOU. think of all you have inspired at so young from children to adults to elders, you have touched so many by being who you are. soo be that. also you deserve peace you dont have to strip yourself of happiness because it gets a little hard, you are always deserving of happiness darling, yes you get happiness too. dont accept constant sadness, sadness is needed so that u appreciate ur joys even more, love em a little harder but you dont have to only feel sad. well i wanted to wrap this up real pretty and sweet but you know i hate typing n im reaching my limit lol. plus the music sounds soo good soo i wanna close my eyes in revel in the melody and the harmonies, im gonna go surf on the song noww - well iloveeyouu sleep well - tomorrow’s ur birthday eve!!
-IA
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Thursday 11:17pmi still miss and love you very much genesis hayes.
our distance was needed but my love never lost, hope ur well♡ -IA Wednesday 9:21pm*listen to when we love - Jhene Aiko
(here’s the thoughts running thru my mind right now) wearing heels make day to day tasks seem sexy and femininly aggressive and i love it. pushing a cart at the store or bending down to pick up something u drop becomes seductive and just gives me sexual powers. it also makes me feel like that bitch. (cuz i am) im tired of living under my parents roof. i wanna be out by december but im scared i wont be able to do it im always broke and i have no money even when i manage it well and its truly depressing. makes me wanna scream n cry often i love when boys tell me how pretty i am and that my body makes them horny i love that my body has that much power and tht their body has the power to do the same to me (that alone turns me on) i still want something more even tho i give energy to boys who just wanna fuck (i still havent made it that far and my v card is still in tact) im about to be 22 in less then 2 months and idk how to feel about it. im not excited in the slightest n thts prolly because i’ll be spending my birthday in the same place physically n mentally n i hate both places i fucking hate covid and i wish it was over black lives still fuckn matter. im horny afff and i would love to give head n take sum d*ck😩 jhene aiko is my life i cant stand sharing a room i literally rather snap my neck seriously.. i wonder what it be like to ride d*ck in the fall while the windows are open and a crisp cool breeze sweeps thru the room as he sweeps me into another dimension😂💀 i need weed cuz i wanna get high i hope my paycheck is good tomorrow. if not im gonna rly depressed like times 3 cuz i already am just thinking about it its been awhile since ive blogged n its only because im lazy af also i forgot all about it.. yikes i released my first self titled ep last saturday n im really proud of that i think this guy that works at my job is cute but i cnt read him rly. he’s super quiet n y’all kno im not used to all that buh idk i love the mystery of him so i probe but at a distance. it will prolly end up nowhere buh i think of him often enough to mention it here my nudes are soo fuckn fire n niggas rly sleep on me lmaoo i really think its because im actually pretty intimidating. the amount of ppl who finally speak to me always tell me they were scared to to talk to me n im like damn do i rly look that mean (good) its my defense mechanism soo i dont smile unless i kno u buh other than that i keep my face straight n my eyes with knives in them (even in my nudes) lmaoo im submissively dominant and aggressive so i love when i boy is aggressive back or even more aggressive than i am cuz if it not it seems like im running over him n that turns me off. i need a man who is gonna take control n knows what he is doing soo i feel comfortable fully submitting to him and a guy who knows how to tame sumone soo wild like me (were talkn sex - yes still horny lmaoo) im happy its fall my new friends are pretty great i smell like a sweet pumpkin right now lol umm i think thats it, i’ll be back. until then byee that being ppl still read these😂 IA♡ here, i sit in the mirror i gaze and think to myself.. look at how sad my face is look at how long my face is my face feels heavy with sadness i can feel my face wanting to slip onto the floor look at how sad my eyes are you look into them and they silently scream for help look at how my eyes plead to be rescued the melancholy bags beneath my eyes have stained my face they will never be ironed away, even if i should be graced with the luxury of happiness they will always be here to remind me of the presence and power of great sadness i wreak of sadness my aura is the essence of sadness for i have been engulfed by the feeling of it my spirit is trapped my sad body witnesses and touches happy things and happy people and my spirit fights to obtain at least an ounce of its joy, at least a once their joy. ... and most times, it’s fight goes in vain are happy people thankful for their joy? do happy people stop to say thank you for their bliss? do happy people express their exuberance? do they dance when no one else is dancing? do they laugh aloud at the joke in their mind? or do they try to conceal their joy, in worry that others may look at them oddly for expressing such a privileged feeling happiness should be screamed at the top of mountains happiness should be displayed at every corner of the earth should it exist at every corner happiness should be worn in great confidence happiness should be shared so trapped spirits are inspired to keep fighting happiness should be me.. but it is not. i breakaway from my own stare and excuse myself from my sad reflection. Sunday 9:24pmlisten to ‘Slow Shines’ - Living Hour
i wanna type this fast because i wanna relax lol but i just have to write what i feel because i feel like this emotion that i feel doesn’t get much spotlight on my blog. i feel stress and pressure but in the midst i feel good, i feel better like genuinely better. its weird, i still feel the dark emotions that live inside like the sadness, feeling purposeless, not really seeing the reason of life (not in a suicide way, but in a way like what are we doing here? what is the end goal? what is my end goal? what is the fucking purpose?) but i feel the best ive ever felt in such a long time and this is without all the alcohol flowing through my veins and without the smoke in my lungs. i genuinely feel okay without them. but i really came here to say that i want to cry. like a big one where you cant catch your breath and its not necessarily because im sad but because crying is cleansing and i feel anew and so i want to wash and cleanse myself of the hurt and betrayal and sadness and all that i have endured. i feel like i want all the negative emotions ive felt all this time, that i have buried and battled, that i have lived with for so long to have it flow throw me on its last lap as that negative energy flows out of my body. i envision myself suspended in air, my body open, my arms and legs spread out creating almost a star shape. i feel my power and im more powerful than ive ever been. my body is glowing this bright aura that outlines my body. i am light. i embrace myself as i prepare to take on my negative emotions, making sure its the last time i deal with all ive already endured time and time again and finally move on. i see that negative energy as dark matter taking shape to that of ink blotches. its black and purple. its coming toward me moving fast but i dont fear it. i straighten my head and with my eyes i dare it to strike. the dark matter strikes at the heart of my chest and goes through the other side if my body coming out a gleaming white. still floating in the air, my body bends and i scream from the pain. all the pain brought from my father, the pain of fake friends, the pain of death in my family, death in my friends, the pain of loosing myself, the pain of loosing my hope, the pain of feeling and being alone, the pain of uncertainty, the pain from not wanting to be here, the pain from being betrayed, bullied, and lied too from what feels like the whole world. i could go on but i take in all that pain that ive carried for so long and i cleanse it. the dark matter finishes entering my body and the last of it flows out white and again i straighten myself up. its quiet now. the night sky around me is still and peaceful. theres just a tiny hum from the glowing beam of my aura and i slowly descend to a meadow in the heart of a forest. the trees outline the meadow, forming a perfect circle. the tall blades of grass blow softly in the wind, the crickets chirp, and the fireflies illuminate the area. with each step i take the soft yellow glow from my body lights the way. i am light. who knows darkness and is not afraid and is a survivor of it. i finally reach the end of the meadow where the trees start again. i stop and look back into the meadow or maybe my battle field and i feel the water swell in my eyes as i utter to myself “i won.” and i head into the forest still glowing. in the end this all just means that i finally feel okay amidst being in darkness and have known darkness. Having felt like i could never win, i feel like theres a strong light to me now that defies the rules of darkness and with this new found light im going to continue to press on and go through the thick trees of my life. well thats it, i hope u could really see the scene i have in my mind. i can really write a story but im being really lazy and in the end it doesn’t matter im sure u’ll at least get the just... that being that anyone reads these lol well goodnight reader💛🚀🌻 -IA Saturday 12:25amseparation. i feel alone in my own home. i feel alone at work. i can sometimes feel alone while still being surrounded by people or a person. this feeling, i’d say i’ve felt more strongly in my life right now than ever before. half of it due to my constant wish to isolate myself from everyone and the other half because someone makes me feel separate from them. its funny just a year ago when i stay laid up in mu car with my drinks and weed, i could be alone for hours on end and be fine. i’d be sad buh i’d be fine, i didn’t feel the need to talk to someone, i didn’t have the desire to “phone a friend”. i was alone and i accepted that and in some odd way i loved it. i loved that i was so fucked up mentally yet still soo great that no one could understand or be so lost on how to help me. but maybe it was just a mirror image of the fact that it sucked that i was alone for hrs, for weeks with no one to go to if i wanted to. it sucked that there wasn't many who could understand me because on the outside looking in someone had someone and i had my thoughts, my drinks, and my weed AND my music. and for a while that was enough, that sufficed. now its almost suffocating when im alone too long, if i dont here the sound of someone’s voice for too long (and at first it couldn’t just be anyone that could make me feel less alone, it had to be sumone i trusted but now it can just be anybody, its now a walk in the grocery store and “i feel less alone thank you.. shoppers?” **lmaoo im too high for this) but anyway i hate that i cant just be alone anymore, why did that feeling leave me, how can i achieve it again, how did i loose something i once had? and because i realize that i dont like being alone for too long it makes me feel small, im in a way embarrassed by it, repulsed really. its like “damn bitch, you hate being by yourself that fucking much, u were alone before and you were fine wtf happened?” i truly feel like im experiencing life backwards, either that or im loosing all the great qualities i had when life was better but how when i feel like i’ve gained sooo much knowledge and bettered myself in some ways. im not the same person i was when “life was great.” i feel like my new self realizes it is damaged and scarred and in a dark place and needs help but is it help from someone else that i need or is it me that should be helping me, im confused. idk, i recently said goodbye to the life of a friend, removed another friend that ive known for years, and my other friend its like were close but were not, like there seems to be a disconnect to me and like im trying to weld something that has two ends and takes two fucking welders. *that metaphor was shit but idc* i dont talk to many ppl. i have like two that i rly like fully open up too buh rly its only one unless i just over share out loud and anyone is fucking listening lol buh that doesnt count n that only happens wen im drunk or high. in the end i think once im on my own and i can sing and dance in my underwear around my OWN house and not spending time alone in the driver seat of my fucking car watching netflix ALL THE TIME maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. but because i dont like being in this house and theres no place to fucking go besides a park (which is awesome) i need something a little bit more me and my speed. visiting the park is mellow n chill but sumtimes i just want music and dance and outfits and pics and videos lol oh and food, see that would make me happy! (well u cant see the smile on my face because this is a fucking virtual sheet of paper buh yeh! i smiled a lil bit lmaoo) i love weed it rly allows me to be light and airy amidst my sadness its like the happy and sad is leveled out n the bitches finally meet in the middle for a happy medium cuz shit !! a weak happy cannot fuck up a strong sad (wut iam i even saying lmaooo i mean I KNO wut im saying its just a weird fucking way to put that and the fact that it still makes sense, like i kno ur getting wtf im saying is straight baffling lmaooo). anyways thats been it of separation. i feel separated from friends and family and i feel alone and i dont like it, but i used to not care and now i do and it makes me feel small. (wow why couldn’t the blog just be that - it just had to be me rambling- that’s probably y i talk soo fuckn much or ramble because wen im alone, which is often, i dont speak and also i dont speak on days where i really feel down which has been often lately and honestly these past few days have been fuckn hard and i need for it to let up a lil bit cuz idk how much more i can take. i actually was thinkng about getting a prescription for this shit besides i feel like its getting bad again like my depression n stress and shit and lord knows we do not need another episode of this fuckn year with all my dark sad thoughts. soo yeh anyway im exiting this fucking blog the way this was comical but serious and written in a satirical way was actually a breath of fresh air and maybe when i read this one back it wont be me feeling totally bad for myself lmaoo good night sunflower readers *if ppl read these things lol. ohh ohh !! btw ima red head now n i actually like it❤️✨✌🏾🌻
-IA Tuesday 12:13amlisten to Magic Hour - Jhene Aiko
come to me broken come to me shattered come to me teary eyed and weak come to me blind come to me lost come to me hopeless and afraid come to me wanting come to me yearning come to me cold and angry come to me outcast come to me depressed come to me feeling unvalued and purposeless come to me loud come to me quiet come to me screaming and kicking come to me in the wrong come to me wronged come to me hurt and ashamed come to me dark come to me damaged come to me scarred and bruised come to me as you are and let me love you anyway. -IA Thurs. 4:57pm at ‘The Park’Listen to Magic Hour - Jhene Aiko *repeat ofc
I have a whole week off from work (yes ive started back amidst covid. i’ve said good bye to a job ive carried with me for almost 4yrs and said hello to something new.) saying good bye to it was freeing though, i always felt i couldn’t leave and whenever i tried, i felt something was holding me back. maybe it was fear of something new or the fear of uncertainty but no matter what it was i conquered it and im happy i did. the new job is nice i dont see myself here long either but primarily everyone is nice and so is the environment. i think i like it because its new and i’ve met some really cool ppl who may turn out to be more than just a coworker i see when i go to work. anyway im not here to talk about work. im here to talk about what i desire. with all this time i have and have had off ive been doing a lot of thinking and thinking about what really makes me happy and what i want in my life. ive been a sad person for a long while and im not saying that one day i will obtain the happiness i once i had (it almost feels like i never had it, its been so long) but im not saying im gonna be sad forever or feel like something in my life is missing forever, im saying im gonna try to make me happy. im saying that im gonna fight for it even though i cant see victory. i feel like i am fighting in the dark. its been like that for me for awhile and in this era of my life i no longer fear it. i do the best that i can but now i want to really give the fight my all. im tired of fighting the same battle, ive fought tor years now. although its pressure still weighs heavy on me its getting old. im tired of it. the same sadness and darkness ive wallowed in for years, that used to feel like it ate at every inch of my being now only feels like an itch of a mosquito bite, you feel it, you know its there, its left a bump, its irritating but you manage and all its takes is time and a hot spoon. you take the hot spoon and put on the bite and u apply pressure and the itch is gone and soon so is the bump. its time i apply this to my life and to the bump that is my sadness and darkness. I wanted this entry to highlight my desires and remind me of what i dont like so i can always come to this as a reference because with depression it is easy to loose all the things that make u happy in a wave of sadness. so i start. i love writing music. i love bending sound and pouring out my heart in melodic form. i love formulating my words in a poetic manner. i love the color yellow. its essence is happiness alone. i love sunflowers, they always face the sun, they grow to be enormous and large, they demand for their presence to be seen and adored. i love singing (not something we all do in the shower every once in awhile. not just me singing my favorite song in the car. i love the natural talent i have been giving to vocally bend notes at my will. to feel the sound that leaves my mouth move me and to move others, to touch others, to open hearts, to heal, to provoke positive change, to comfort, to inspire and to enjoy. i know that i am in my head a lot and my voice isnt perfect but i have witnessed my voice do all that i have described here many, many times. there are some who ask for me to sing just because, and maybe its because of what i mentioned here or maybe they can feel its power. i am beyond grateful to God for this gift and i dont know who i would be without it. i love instrumentation, i love to strum the strings of the guitar, to tap the keys of the piano, to play the drums like a heart beat. i love the sound of harmony. i love nature, the rustling of the leaves, the running of water, the blades of grass, the animals, the stillness yet liveliness of it all. the wind that breezes past to meet us. the falling of rain, cleansing us, comforting us. the sun, and the way it falls upon the earth and the colors and warmth it provides especially on cold days. i love fall and winter, the sense of togetherness it brings. i love running and playing frisbee. i love meditating. i love dancing and letting my body move to the melody. i love dressing myself up in different ways, feminine and masculine alike. i love freedom. freedom to be whoever and whatever. freedom to love whoever. freedom to just be yourself. i love genuine love. love in every form. the one constant in all of this is love. love for all of these things and love itself is what brings me the upmost joy. anything not in line with love is all the things that make me unhappy. im sure there is other things i love big and small but those are my most biggest ones. i didn’t include friends or family solely because this journey is about me finding love in me and finding love in what i like. all this time ive been looking for happiness in other friends and family alike but the truth is some can be shaky and most relationships in my life change or they dont last but i know for a fact i will never leave myself. overall in this new era of my life wish to see what i am capable of alone. maybe not fully alone because we were never meant to be alone so i change that too what i can do with my trusted ppl a second a way if i cry for help. well in the end i believe that sums everything up and sure i could type more but those who know me know i hate typing for too long so with that i end this here and continue my meditation journey alone surrounded by the chirping of the birds, the ring of the cicadas, and whooshing of the wind accompanied by my meditation music of course. lol well as always thanks for reading (that being ppl actually read this.) i hope you could take from it what u needed. -IA Friday 4:11 am*listen to peaceful journeys - meditation music
Last sunday my car broke down on the highway. i was sitting on the left shoulder hoping and praying it would just magically work again. i knew it was a ball park miracle but i still asked anyway. my car still wouldn’t start so i called a towing company and they told me they’d be to me in 45 minutes so i waited there on the highway trying to remain calm, trying to accept my situation, trying to stay positive. a tow finally appears, i dont even remember seeing a tow truck slow down to even get onto the shoulder i was on, i picked my head up and there it was. this guy came out and i assumed it was the company i called. i later found out that it wasn’t and at this point, when i found out, he had had my car on the flatbed in me in his truck. i was so scared because he continued to look at me in a sexual way and kept calling me sweetie and sweetheart and i was just so uncomfortable. i called my dad panicked and soon he arrived as well as the other tow truck from the company i actually called. my friend showed up too just incase no one was there to pick me up. it was so much going on and i was doing all that i could to remain calm and try to hold myself together. i had to fight back my tears several times. long story short my car got on the flatbed of the correct towing co. i called and i left the scene with my friend. i had my car dropped off at mr tire, it took them a day to look at it, monday evening i found out that my engine was shot. i sat on the phone silent because i didn’t know how to respond or what my next would be. tuesday and wednesday came and they were some hard days to get thru. there were some big decisions that i had to make that would change my life, change my path, change many things and knowing that created so much pressure for me to decide. it got even worse because i kept allowing others to be in my ear about what i should do when in the end i just needed to make the decision myself. i made my decision and decided to get a new car. thursday rolled around and it didn’t go as plan the day ended and i was still carless. (im really just tryn to sum this story up so u have background knowledge for the next part of this blog). in the end i have had no car, emotional breakdowns, major mood swings, little money to accomplish the things i need to accomplish, and this thought that i just have to keep pushing and be strong even when im not. (we make it to the next part.. my emotions). I am not strong enough for all of this, i keep telling myself i can do this but can i? can i really fucking do this? i’ve had to be so strong for so long and this is more than just a car issue this is a life issue. im always trying to push forward, be strong when im not, be brave when im not. I just want for someone to swoop in and save me from life. someone to be my ultimate hero in all this bullshit. but life doesn’t work that way, not for me. i swoop in and save myself. i endure. i pick myself up. i dust myself off. i wipe my tears. i breathe away my pain. i roll with the punches. i continue to stand when forces are trying to knock me down. i do ALL of this and most times its from my own willpower. at both dealerships i visited yesterday, they asked me was there anyone who could help me, anyone who could co-sign and i said no. they both said “you have no who can help you” i said no “i am alone.” my answer was for their question and for a life they didn’t know shit about. after this each one got quiet, and me (continuing to push) just asked another question just so we can move the process along, like can i drive of the lot in a fucking car or not? and yeh they were trying to be helpful but im angry, im pissed and im also sad af and im depressed and leave it to me have these emotions and it be frowned upon when i express it in a way thats “insensitive” (is it insensitive or does it just make u feel uncomfortable? imagine dealing with these demons every fucking day) and sumone else have emotions similar to mine and now its “well u have to see where they’re coming from” but u kno lets just save that for another fucking blog.. smh. Today is friday i have work in 3 hrs and they expect a smile on my face and me ready to help complete strangers but who tf is gonna help me with all this life shit and its not like their aren’t ppl who want to help or who have its that there is no one who has chiseled away at the anger and the sadness and the numbness that has built up in my body after all these years, after all these experiences. they have simply cushioned a hard area. you take that cushion away and its still hardness and guess what.. people dont stay (cushions dont stay *im clarifying a metaphor here for those who are lost* cushions loose softness after some time. cushions get replaced when the old cushion can no longer cover the hardness). so thank you for cushioning my hard areas but if u intend to leave u can cushion someone else. i’ll save myself again, like last time, thank you tho.. well i dont know what else to say really. im just angry and upset. there’s a lot going on (when is it not tho) i just- i just want someone who can break away the hardness and the sadness not just cushion it *because i can do that...* so until i can figure out a way to do it myself i need someone who can be my hero.. fr. in the meantime i’ll continue to do what i’ve been doing all these years. i’ll continue pushing. ia. Monday 12:40amListen to ‘I sink I sink’ - Living Hour (on repeat) | *im slightly tipsy? definitely too sober for comfort. well scratch that i am sober. i didn’t drink enough cuz i didn’t really feel like it today *that hasn’t been new for me lately, i wonder whats changing in me
The other day i called my friend also known as my “mentor” or my photographer. i called him up after i finished my makeup and did my hair and dressed up real pretty. i felt like i looked amazing so i called him and i said “how about we take pictures today, i know its last minute but i just look to pretty not to be photographed” and ofc he was down and i was really happy. so i had my brother tag along wit me and i had him bring his speaker because i had this vision in my mind of me being in an open field listening to the song ur listening to now and i was determined to bring this to life. before i made it to the location i smoked. it was my first time being high during a shoot and i can say that i will never have it any other way ever again. we started walking to where i wanted to shoot. i was in front, wayy in front, i didn’t notice how much distance i put between me and them because all i could do was stare at this specific spot in the middle of this vast field. it was soo fucking pretty, the sun was almost down so the sky was pink and blue and my photographer kept telling me “we’re running out of daylight... literally!” “its okay, this is amazing, the photos will be amazing” i responded. i knew that in my heart. it was the way the beams of what light we had left fell upon the blades of grass, it was the blue and the orange and the pink merging together to create this beautiful gradient of warmth, it was the breeze traveling thru the field and gently brushing against my skin. i got to what i felt was the middle of the field and they finally caught up to me. i bent down and grabbed the speaker and connected my phone and i turned on this song. i got back to my place and i just started to let my body move around. it was controlled but it had no rhyme or reason, i wanted the melody to move me. my arms flowed like water as it made its way above my head and as i reached out into the vast openness. i pointed to the sky and to the trees and to the camera. i was pointing at the beautiful life and energy around me and the beautiful life and energy of the person who will one day see these photos. i had the song on repeat and my body continued to move softly and gently. i spun around slowly, posed in various different ways. i laid down and stretched my body out along the grass. i felt so many emotions running thru me and whatever i felt i portrayed. i felt sexy so posed in a seductive manner, i felt all the hurt that i’ve carried for years so allowed my face to be long, i felt powerful so my poses became strong and bold, i felt bliss and my lips gave way to show my smile. i started to laugh because i knew i probably looked weird or silly but i didn’t care this was my moment and in a way i dont mind if people see me vibing on what i feel is a higher wave length because its rare. I danced sum more, i sung, i posed, i laughed, i ran thru the field, i stared at the sky, i stood in the colorful smoke my photographer brought with him for us to shoot with. it was amazing, truly a moment i will never forget. I said aloud that day, in the middle of that field, thru my smiling and laughter, that i felt like a star (not a celebrity) and not exactly what u look up to see in the night sky but a ball of energy that was so bright that you couldn’t help but notice it shined, an energy form that had achieved true happiness, an energy form that was so free, it could do whatever it wanted.. anything! an energy form in a class of its own. i felt like i was viewing the thoughts of my mind and my life and life as a whole thru my soul form and not my body’s vessel which is so worldly and tainted by what i’ve endured here, self inflicted and what people have done to me. but i feel my soul is untouchable, it will always just.. be. it has no reason to be reshaped or molded because it knows all there is and i feel even tho i cant fully tap into it, its what keeps me anchored and what keeps me going here on this earth. (truly a different way to believe, i dont know anyone who feels this like how i do and its so weird to think i once believed in a way that was taught and passed down for generations upon generations. a way that felt ritualistic and uniformed and not me). i say all this to say that i will have moments like these where everything in life has meaning, problems seem solvable, my emotions are free to display themselves thru my body no matter who’s around, and love flows like a raging waterfall, it isnt blocked by fear of rejection, what people will think of u, or what people think of the person u show love to. its just there and its strong and u let it flow. its an abundant amount love for art, for ur lover, for ur neighbor (literally and figuratively), for ur friends, for ur family, for the earth and nature and the beauty it provides each and every day. and its an enormous amount of love for yourself. when im high, im more conscious to be gentle with myself, gentle with others, gentle with how i choose to go about situations. not everyone experiences this and some can probably achieve all that i am saying without smoking but this is what it does for me and sometimes i dont need to be intoxicated to feel it. i bring this full circle and leave you saying that with all of this i find myself always sinking. i know that life isn’t always light and happiness but it shouldn’t be all of this sadness, numbness, and darkness either. I, for a long time and even now, dont possess the desire to wanna be here, but its moments like this that still allow me to appreciate it. i am not ungrateful for my beating heart. i am happy i can share my lungs full of air with those i love and be able to touch others in positive way. its just deep down or maybe its not even that deep down but i just always felt like there is a place where u dont exist in the flesh but in ur soul form and life is always happy. of course the light will always be at war with darkness because everything that exists has 2 sides in order to maintain balance. but i want that for me, i wanna live in that space and im not quite sure what that looks like, what it will be like, but i believe in these pockets of emotions where i feel genuine bliss and euphoria that this is what it feels like.. without a shadow of a doubt, i believe it with all my being and its like no one can tell me otherwise. this way of believing brings me comfort and i am so glad to have finally reached this point in my spiritual journey. in the beginning i said i wonder why i haven’t been moved to drink as much and its because i physically feel the alcohol exhausting my body in every way. sure its great, i love drinking, will probably always drink but i dont feel moved to get drunk because i feel sad cuz exhausting my body like that wont make me feel any better so i try to keep it recreational, which still is often lmaoo but not every night like it was before. its not bottles lined up on my nightstand beside my bed waiting for me in the morning like how it once was because i know a pocket of that blissful emotion (maybe another phrase for God’s energy) will make its way to me again and i will always seek it out, especially when i feel im sinking. Ia♡ |
Here, it is autumn all the time. There is something about the changing of the leaves and the time of harvest that brings me comfort. Here, I write the feelings and thoughts that live within me; freeing them on virtual paper.
Don’t expect to receive love if you fail to give love .IA |